Intended for Lavender Magazine: Lez Night Rundown

Booby Trap dance extravaganza

Minneapolis’ only lesbian bar has been closed for six months and nothing permanent has taken its place. Is anyone else out there completely astounded by this fact? Anyone? Bueller? Boobs?…
I knew somebody was listening.

As weird as it may sound, lesbians are up and coming; a rapily-growing presence and with undeniable marketability in the U.S. In the previous few years alone we’ve watched The L-Word retain record ratings on Showtime, a gay lady wedding on “All My Children”, Ellen’s talkshow hit home with housewives across the county, a lesbian relationship on the sickly popular “Grey’s Anatomy” and Tila Tequila’s “bi-sexual” carnival on MTV.

All of this dyke exposure is great, even when it’s Tyra Banks talking about “straight” girl crushes; it’s grinding down the subject’s once-incredibly-taboo reputation and starting conversations on the left and right. And not only are people just discussing the action, women are giving in to their desires and/or curiosity and giving women their own shot at love (or lust). Lesbians just may be the new black.

So how does Minneapolis fit into all of this lesbian, bi-curious, girl-on-girl action? According to a few random Google searches and zero completely-reliable sources, Minneapolis is home to the second-largest per-capita GLBT population in the U.S. Not to mention, the Twin Cities is known to have one of the best lookin’ gay lady populations in the country, which is of course an incredibly biased opinion.

Gay women are all over this damn city and that’s evident enough on a daily trip to the grocery store or walking around the lake. We have plenty of softball teams and rugby clubs to go around, but when darkness falls, where my ladies at? Why is the Twin Cities’ lesbian nightlife scene totally lackluster? While the media and entertainment industry is finally catching onto the appeal of women with women, Minnesota is moving in the opposite direction in terms of making a solid presence in our city. In the land of 10,000 lesbos, why is there not one 24/7 lez bar?

DJ AJent Orange totally has a monopoly on all the lez event DJ opportunties

That time of the month
Pi survived a mere year-and-a-half in its bleak legion setting, appeasing the grungier bike dykes and singles needing to mingle. A couple pool tables, an awkwardly spacious dance floor, stiff drink prices for not so stiff drinks and the top 100 dance hits managed to trump the scene during its run with little to no competition. I understand Pi had a loyal fan base, but when cornered, a lot of these patrons were quick to offer lengthy criticisms. Dive bars are great and it’s obvious Pi or something like it, has its place in the Minneapolis lesbian scene. The key element is variety and that’s exactly we’re missing.

Women need choices—whether you and your girl want a chill evening with wine, you’re looking to avoid an ex, in the mood for some sweaty dancing or a quick beer after work, it would be ideal to have places where each of these activities could be achieved. At this point, no such options exist on a daily basis, and the few ‘women’s nights’ we have scattered throughout the month aren’t very diverse in their offerings. A multitude of these monthly lesbian events have been popping up around the city since Pi’s exit and unfortunately even these nights can’t seem to grasp what it is that women really want.
Here’s a summary of what’s out there now:

VIntage whores at the extinct Dollhouse

The Dollhouse
The Dollhouse sold itself as the premier lesbian lounge night dedicated to the 1940s pinup scene; classy, sexy and a little bit naughty. The Dollhouse featured burlesque dancers, a do-wop band and hot lady DJs all in a beautiful lounge setting at The View. Track jackets and typical tasteless lesbian dress were few and far between, replaced with heels, suit coats and obvious consideration into both looking and feeling good. Sadly, The Dollhouse bit the dust in April.

The low key, lounge attitude was a nice a change of pace to the dirty, gay bars in the city and there was finally an opportunity to combat the lumberjack dyke stereotype and challenge what it means to attend a lesbian event. The Dollhouse had so much potential. The eight-dollar cover pushed people away (lesbians are commonly accused of being thrifty) and the inconsistent entertainment was a turn-off, but otherwise, Dollhouse’s failure isn’t easily explained.

Lady legs at Boob Fest.

Booby Trap
“Booby Trap” is still relatively new, but thus far it’s future seems bright and sweaty. The monthly Saturday event is held at The Bolt Underground, a large basement with a long bar, comfortably sized dance floor, bad ventilation and a stage perfect for half-naked go-go dancers, a.k.a. The Booby Trap Girls. Ladies pack the place, ready to dance and taunt the “Booby” girls with tips. Talking with a new woman probably isn’t going to be your number one priority at this wild event, but grinding, PDA and getting drunk will all fit nicely into the Booby package. There isn’t a dress code, meaning it’s a mixed bag of unimpressive casual. In reality, this event is no more than a heightened version of the Townhouse’s Wednesday night dance party, with an added bonus of hot girls on stage, less boys and a younger median age.

Twilight
Yes it’s still going, every second Friday of the month at the Kitty Kat Club in Dinkytown. The seven-dollar cover is an added blow to the expensive drinks, but the atmosphere is prime. The DJs play predictable music, but women flood the dance floor regardless, packing the small space nip to nip. The incredibly plush Kitty Kat Club has a comfortable arrangement of couches and intimate seating areas to get closer or bond with friends. Another mixed bag of attire, I’d suggest you dress to impress and give your future wife an unforgettable first impression.

Townhouse
Wednesday is rumored to be ladies’ night and coincidentally, “The Original Cheapie Night.” If you’re trying to impress a new interest, buying her one-dollar drinks at the Townhouse won’t do it. If you’re trying to seduce a new interest, buying her lots of one-dollar drinks may work by the end of a long night. Lots of gay boyfriends tend to show up on Wednesday nights as well, meaning the lady count isn’t spectacular— but neither is the décor. Wear anything— sweatpants have been spotted on occasion.

pasties!

Lure, Queer Candy and Diva Riot
Lure happened a couple Thursdays at Trocaderos this Spring and featured a DJ and rap performance. Queer Candy was a super sexy burlesque/drag cabaret at Rumors and Innuendo in St. Paul. Diva Riot was apparently some sort of evening at Rumors and Innuendo as well. All promised to be regular events. Bueller?

So sadly, that’s about it….
Some Fridays, sort of Wednesdays and one Saturday a month are the nights you have to choose from, but the types of events on the list all seem quite similar: cheap liquor, dancing and loud DJs. On the off nights, maybe you hit up the regular ol’ straight hangouts or the boy’s gay bar selection, carving out a little section for you and your friends. But wouldn’t it be great if we just had a scene of our own?